Gals! Have you ever been crippled by the thought of the fall of our own previously-thought-as unwavering American democracy cuz boy howdy I sure have! Girlfriends, if you’re like me, you had a brief respite when you thought democracy and justice would prevail and all would be well once Joseph R. Biden, took the solemn oath of office as the 46th President of the United States of America. Surely he would help set America back onto the path of a secure, democratic future. And surely the insurrection that occurred on January 6th, 2021 – the event that should cause the deepest of collective wounds, leaving a horrific and ugly scar on our country – SURELY that would be an event that crossed party lines and united both Republicans and Democrats in their collective horror and grief – SURELY THAT SHOULD BE AT LEAST THE THING THAT UNITES US AS AMERICANS AND SHAKES THE MITCH MCCONNELLS OF THE WORLD OUT OF THEIR STROKE-INDUCED STUPORS CAUSED BY BLOOD CLOTS THAT BEAR A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE IN BOTH PROFILE AND BURNT SIENNA TONE OF FORMER PRESIDENT AND BOIL ON THE PROTRUDING, PROLAPSED ANUS OF AMERICA, MR. DONALD J. TRUMP. SURELY, BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND IT WILL NEVER FAIL US BECAUSE OUR FOREFATHERS PROMISED US, RIGHT?!
Gals, there’s a lesson to be learned here and that is, “NEVER RELY ON A FOREFATHER – IF YOU WANT DEMOCRACY, YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND GET IT FOR YOURSELF.”
And if you’re like me, you’re stuck under the crushing weight of anxiety caused by America’s slow and steady march toward autocracy. How can you even begin to start to think about fending off eventual-dictator and as-of-press-time 6-time bankruptcy filer, Mr. Donald J[ust grab them by the pussy] Trump?! Gals, you need to get ahold of that anxiety before you can begin to fight the eventual undoing of representative government as we know it. Not to worry though because there’s nothing more soothing than cooking away your spiraling thoughts that the Republican party will once again ruin satire and America by midterms. Well, that’s a little bit of a lie, there’s nothing more soothing than a vacation AND cooking. Gals, between you and me, I’ve got a recipe that will blast two birds with one stone and whisk you away with a one-way ticket to Yum-Town, party of YOU! Take a gander at this air fryer recipe that is sure to be the benzodiazepine-surrogate meal of your dreams:
- Step one – decide to buy an air fryer for the thrill and short burst of dopamine. If you’re like me, you don’t cook and your counters are filled with only caffeine-producing machines, a microwave and a toaster in the event you want to want to make your bread fancy or kill the bacteria in your bread mold fancy. You never use the stove or oven – why on god’s green earth would you have an air fryer? Stop yourself from asking so many questions.
- Drive your ass to Best Buy™️ and grab the first air fryer you see.
- Notice some cheap Cuisinart™️ knives on your way to the register and remember that your shitty knife set hasn’t been sharpened since it left the factory in 2008. Think to yourself, “must be tough times for Best Buy™️ – gone are the days of $40 CDs and well, CDs,” and make a mental note that Best Buy is now an electronics AND cheap knife store.
- Take advantage of the jaw-droppingly low price of $19.99 on this 9 piece ceramic stunner.
- Drive your ass home and immeadiatly drop your new knife set by the door and keep it there for protection when the looming civil war shows up on your doorstep. A lady must always be prepared!
- Unbox your air fryer.
- Throw out all instructions and plug in your new and likely-to-be-used-once air-fryer like the goddamn chef goddess you are.
- Open your freezer and find the bag that’s accruing the most freezer frost (pro-tip, if your freezer only consists of cooler packs, batteries and ice cubes, just pick any food item you decide is cookable) – for me it was frozen cauliflower and broccoli in a garlic sauce that had more crystals on it than a Real Housewife!
8. Empty the bag like you’re trying to empty your mind of any political thought into the air-fryer basket.
9. Name each of the broccoli florets and cauliflower pieces after your favorite democracy villain. For instance, I named my nummy veggies Marjorie Taylor Greene, Tucker Carlson, and Mark Zuckerburg! Goodbye Commonwealth, hello Taste Oasis!
10. Start slapping buttons with the effort you put into volunteering with your local democratic candidate like it even matters at this point and think to yourself, “everything in the microwave takes 1 minute, so I’ll do 2 because this is the slow-cooker of microwaves and is HEALTHY and I’m nothing if not one healthy motherfucker who should have cared about politics before Trump lumbered off the stage of the Apprentice and tap-danced right onto the get-out-of-jail*-free stage of the American Presidency!”
11. Hit start on that bitch and prepare yourself for the mind-numbing bliss meal that awaits you.
12. Cancel your subscriptions to the New York Times and The Atlantic while those veggies roast. If democracy dies in darkness, then so can your brain!
13. Notice the smell of burning plastic your air-fryer is giving off. Start to worry, but then embrace the smell – when you think postively, no matter the situation, you’ll be happier. Some people might call this toxic postivity but I like to call it intoxicating postivity because I get high as a kite off this kind of shit.
14. Remember that burning plastic fumes can kill brain cells.
15. Take a deep inhale to breathe in the fumes and hold for 47 seconds. Cross your fingers that only the neuropathways that carry any information of Marjorie Taylor Greene and OAN are singed and stopped in their tracks. Exhale.
16. Realize the timer is going off and notice the smell of burnt plastic is now mixed with the scent of burned frozen vegetables.
17. Take out the veggies. Notice they are burned ever so slightly.
18. Remember that the veggies were already burned from freezer burn, in addition to being regular burned in your new potentially cancer-causing air frying machine. You goddamn genius, you just made Twice Burned Veggies! Well gals, if you’re me, you think to yourself, “Get on the horn with the president of Trademarks because you just stumbled into a great name for a delicious meal you boss babe bitch, you!”
19. Throw the entire smoking mess onto your plate and begin to eat.
20. Notice that you SHOULD feel the blistering hot Matt Gaetz broccoli florets burning the insides of your mouth, but realize that you’re completely numb from the anesthetic-like effects of cooking a mouth-watering masterpiece.
21. Try to remember who the president is and where you are and what day it is. You can’t. Your meal was delicious AND calming to the point of at least short-term memory loss. Goal achieved!
22. Hear the distant sounds of a meeting reminder dinging at you to let you know that you have a meeting in 10 minutes.
23. Run to your laptop to stop the noise. While you’re there, send a company-wide email with only your resignation in the subject line, effective immediately. What are jobs really anyway? Why are we even going to work and pretending that the Constitution of the United States isn’t a frail piece of paper that any Trump-supporting Republican would wipe their sad, mushy ass with?
24. Jolt yourself out of that spiral by biting into a cauliflower Tucker Carlson floret. Let out a sigh of relief as you’re transported back to numb-town.
25. Feel so chill you can’t remember your own name.
26. Give yourself a pat on the back for making a meal delicious enough to lobotomize yourself from thinking about voting rights for at least a few hours.
27. Grab a beer to celebrate. Stand over the sink and chug it. Stop before you throw the empty can into the recycling bin and remember that recycling is a ruse and climate change is real. Throw it straight into the trash.
28. Grab another beer and chug – repeat this process until you forget about climate change.
29. Sit back, relax and congratulate yourself on a job well done. You may have not done one thing to help offset democracy’s impending doom, but you HAVE made a nourishing and consciousness-obliterating meal for one. And if you’re me, you’re Number One in my book.
*Prison
Gals! The other day my friend (ALSO a very talented chef) sent me a picture of some red curry soup that she was just RAVING about for days – and let me tell you, this picture looked as if it were made by Bill Bon Apetit* himself! I just had to try it. The recipe is from Tasty.Co and by the URL name alone, I could tell that this meal was going to be GOOD. I took a look at the ingredients list and realized I only had salt and some old garlic cloves. To test the garlic for freshness, I gave the cloves a lil’ squeeze – you can pick your favorite method for testing for freshness. I chose this garlic freshness test method that has no scientific backing, logic or legend behind it because my chef instincts told me to. “A lil squeeze’ll do ya!” as I now always say! I wrote down the remaining list of ingredients that I’d need – and boy howdy the list was LONG. Here’s what you’ll need:
- 2 tablespoons refined coconut oil (I could only find a giant jar of this stuff and imagined the fate of the remaining 26 tablespoons rotting in said jar in my cupboard for years to come)
- 3 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 tablespoon ginger, minced (mincing ginger is a real bitch so I buy bottled ginge and yes, the remainder will sit rotting in my fridge for at least a decade)
- 2 ½ tablespoons red curry paste
- 15 oz coconut milk, 1 can
- 3 cups vegetable broth
- 1 tablespoon agave (again, only found a massive bottle of agave – I’ll put it next to the coconut oil jar in the cupboard where they can grow old together)
- 8 oz rice noodle
- 7 oz tofu, cubed
- 2 cups broccoli floret
- 1 red bell pepper, thinly sliced
- 1 tablespoon lime juice
- salt, to taste
- fresh cilantro, to serve
Starving and hoping that this recipe was a “quick cook,” I grabbed 4 surgical masks and hopped into my car and sped off toward the store. I parked and went live on Facebook as I slapped on my 4 masks to let friends, family, neighbors, former classmates, and hundreds of people I met once in 2005 know that I was about to enter a public indoor setting and that I was quadruple masking. Pro-tip: never mask and enter a public setting without posting about it publicly unless you’re not interested in being canonized into sainthood.
As I entered the produce section, it appeared as if The Produce Rapture had happened.
I panicked. Did I come all the way to this godforsaken store – starving – just to go home empty-handed!? I glanced to my right and was immediately relieved when I saw shelves and shelves of red and pink trash. Gal-pals let me tell you, what this store lacked in produce, they MORE than made up for in Valentine’s Day candy! Gals you may have not been able to buy bananas, potatoes, onions, apples, lemons, or any other life-giving food but by God, on January 4th, 2022 you could sow the seeds of abundance and type II diabetes with enough candy hearts and Red #40 dyed M&M’s to choke even the largest of sperm whales in the seasonal section of this Target grocery store. I made a mental note for a backup plan – if I couldn’t find the ingredients for my soup, I’d just go home with a red bag of Valentine’s Day-themed Reeses pieces and throw them down my gullet hole till the hunger pains subsided.
But you know what, ladies? When the Lord closes a door, He opens a window, and today that window was open to a plethora of bottled minced ginger, a plastic bottle in the shape of a lime filled with *real* lime juice, and one Left Behind red pepper and bag of broccoli. As they say, “one woman’s unbaptized vegetables is another woman’s treasure.”
Luckily, I had no issues finding the rest of the ingredients so I grabbed what I needed and sped home.
As soon as I got home, I unpacked everything and got to work. Here’s how I did it:
- Take out the tofu. I got a 14 oz piece even though the recipe called for half so I cut it in half and was about to throw the rest in the trash but my chef’s instincts told me to put the rest in a baggie in the fridge to eventually rot. Spoiler: my instincts were right – I would end up needing this about 5 minutes later.
- If you’re like me, then you’ve never touched or cooked a piece of tofu in your life. I questioned the tofu to my friend and she assured me that “tofu is great because it takes on the flavor of whatever you’re cooking! Just press it between 2 plates if you don’t have a tofu press to get rid of excess water.” What is a tofu press? Who has a tofu press? Married people needing items to add to their registry?! I didn’t have a tofu press but I DID have 2 small Ikea plates that I took as a parting gift to myself from the office kitchen on my last day of work at a former job from 10 years ago.
- Grab your wedding gift tofu press from your first marraige or grab 2 small plates, depending on how your divorce worked out, and get to pressin’! As previously mentioned, I went the plate route.
- Realize you’ve pressed the tofu beyond all possibility of 1-inch-cut cubes but congratulate yourself on the fact that it’s the driest, hardest-pressed tofu you’ve personally seen. Take the win and then throw it in the trash.
5. Grab the other hunk of tofu and repeat the process again but just give it a lil’ tap this time. You saw what happened the first time, best to have soggy cubes than a dry blob, amiright ladies?!
6. If you’re me, then you’ll listen to my friend who said to cook the tofu separately in an air fryer. Yes, gals, ashamedly I have an air fryer, not to cut corners but because I thought it would be a healthy convenient way to replace my microwave. Gals, I thought wrong. An air fryer works well if you don’t hate handwashing dishes and quite frankly, any woman-on-the-go knows that any “hand-washing-only” dish item will sit in the sink for weeks unwashed, becoming a place for fruit flies to gather, breed and colonize. Pro-tip: don’t get an air fryer unless you enjoy handwashing dishes, in which case you might be a serial killer.
7. Cut up the new tofu, throw some olive oil on it (I used a tablespoon because that was the spoon closest to me), and look up how to cook tofu in an air fryer. The recipe I found said to air fry it for 10 minutes but you can use any tofu air fryer Internet recipe you want because this is America.
8. Heat up the refined coconut oil in a big pot and add the minced garlic. The recipe says to add the garlic and ginger until “fragrant” but I started getting hit by hot flying little oil bombs before the fragrance arrived and ladies always remember, safety before fragrance!
9. Realize you’re in the line of fire and now going to battle with this soup. Reach to turn the stove off while getting hit in the neck, face and hands by tiny hot oil rockets. Move the hot pot off that hot range for god’s sake.
10. Continue to get hit with boiling oil droplets. Pro-tip: move completely out of the kitchen until the oil stops popping or the smoke subsides – whichever comes first. Time-saving tip: apply Burn Jel™️ to your fresh wounds while you’re waiting.
11. Check on the tofu and wonder what air-fried tofu is supposed to look like. Trust your chef instincts that it probably needs at least 10 more minutes to fry to get all that excess water out.
12. Follow the rest of the recipe to get that broth a boilin! Get to the part where it says “add salt, to taste.” What the fuck does “to taste” mean? Give me a unit of measurement you smug, coy fuck! Measure out 1 teaspoon of salt, let your hair down and let go and let God!
13. Come back down to earth from your Under The Tuscan Sun moment you just had with the salt. Fuck! You forgot the tofu. Stop the air fryer and pull out and shake the basket – if it sounds like you’re shaking a box of rocks, the tofu is done “to taste” which is my way of saying “just shy of too burnt.” See? “To taste” is just a term likely invented by Midwesterners who “can’t say for sure” a unit of measurement for fear of offending others with an exact instruction.
14. You’re almost done! Just add tofu and noodles to the soup.
15. Watch the soup turn into a thick mass of pale pink spaghetti, without even a whisper of broth to be found. Start to think that this isn’t how your friend’s soup looked at all. Start to realize this is not soup. Look down at the mass that you’ll be eating exclusively for lunch and dinner and likely also breakfast for several days, if not weeks.
16. Slop it all into one of the Ikea bowls that you gave yourself as a parting gift while whispering to yourself “good job,” from your office kitchen on your last day of work 10 years ago**.
17. Take a glance back at your friend’s soup photo for reference.
18. Look at the soup you made from the exact same recipe.
19. Work up the gumption to take a bite and remember that Stirling Mackie, a reviewer on the link for the recipe stated simply 3 years ago, “THIS IS SO GOOD I LITERALLY COULD NOT STOP EATING IT.” Prepare yourself mentally for a potentially weeks-long trip to Flavor Town, population You!
20. Add the *real* lime juice “to taste.” I personally went HAM on the lime juice with the fervor of a woman begging for an actual unit of measurement.
21. The recipe also calls for cilantro “to serve” but if you thought any cilantro was Left Behind at the Midway Target you thought wrong, friend.
22. Grab a spoon and realize that this meal needs at least a spork.
23. Take a bite of the meal you made that was initially supposed to be soup. Realize that the “soup” tastes like noodles and broccoli. Desperately search for a piece of tofu. Tofu “takes on the flavor of whatever you’re cooking,” remember? Maybe it took ALL the flavor, that must be it! Gleefully bite into a piece of tofu so hard it could chip a tooth – ain’t no flavor breathing through that air fried seal. Throw some more lime juice and salt “to taste” at the “soup” and accept that your meal tastes is more akin to a [very warm] Corona than soup.
24. Wonder what my friend and Sterling Maki were raving about and if they might be liars. Surely our soups tasted the same despite mine turning out to be horrifyingly pink noodles, a few soggy vegetables and some tofu stones.
25. Eat this mess for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the remainder of the calendar month while simultaneously going through the stages of grief for the soup that could have been.
26. Reach the acceptance stage to accept the loss of 2 hours of time, and the burn scars that will always be a reminder of the soup that never came to be, and what remained was not good. And that Stirling Mackie is not a real name.
*Fun fact, Bon Apetit magazine was founded by a guy named Bill Bon Apetit!
**Mike McAvoy if you’re reading this, feel free to Venmo request me for $2.99 for the dishes.
Gals! The other day I was scrolling through Al Gore’s Internet when something I saw made me stop dead on my tracks. What was it? Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. What made me stop so suddenly was not the content, but rather the photo of ol’ McC. Those soft, pillowy jowls looked like delicious, extremely underbaked chocolate chip cookies, which of course inspired me to bake because what else is there to do in this pandemic that Mitch McCookie is assisting in prolonging our suffering? The answer is nothing!
I got to baking. Here’s what you’ll need:
Flour, brown sugar, white sugar, baking soda, softened butter, vanilla, eggs and an earnest desire for your cookies to look like the soft underbelly of a frog.
Step 1: Preheat the oven to 375 degrees, which should be easy to remember because it is the exact same number of days in 2020 so far.
Step 2: Mix all the dry ingredients together. When mixed fully, it should look like white sawdust, which is, coincidentally, the same material that comprises 75% of McConnell’s skin.
Step 3: In a separate bowl, mix the softened butter and eggs together. Make sure the mixture is as wet as the inside of the skin-folds that caress the chin of Senior Senator from Kentucky, Mitch McConnell.
Step 4: Slowly mix all ingredients together. Go about as slow as Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr. is going on working toward an economic relief plan that we can flush right down the toilet again anyway because Americans need to ride motorcycles to motorcycle conferences while wearing bandanas on their sweaty empty heads but not ones that cover their flapping mouth-holes because it hurts their breathing and also muffles their singing along together inside a bar to a jukebox that plays only Toby Keith. Freedom isn’t free and it’s also not $600 a week anymore either.
Step 5: Fill up a rounded tablespoon of dough, which is about how much fluid you’d obtain if you drained just a single McConnell face-sack.
6: Drop those dough balls onto a cookie sheet and set a timer for 3 minutes –– no longer or they will be too baked at that point to look exactly like Republican Senator Mitch McConnell.
Step 7: At the 3-minute mark, pull those suckers out of the oven. Upon first glance you should notice that your cookies look exactly like the Shroud of Turin except it’s not a negative image of Christ, it’s Mitch McConnell’s melting face bag.
Step 8: Stand over your sink and begin playing solitaire Chubby Bunny with the cookies until you sob uncontrollably, laugh hysterically or choke to death.
Gals! Ever have someone close to you do something so heinous once or twice or six times and you notice start to get a little hungry? Hungry for an apology, that is! When you realize you’re never getting that, you might as well stuff that gaping hole in your heart and tum-tum with this delicious and just as easy-to-make as saying “I’m sorry” recipe! I say “meals” plural in the title because this recipe can be divided into two to easily nourish at least two offenses.
Here’s a recipe you can follow step-by-step just like the apology you wrote out for him that he couldn’t even just read to you:
Two eggs –– the ones I selected were the last two I owned. You can use more or less, depending on your hunger for protein and sincere amends.
One half of an old English Muffin
Some found peanut butter
Here’s how to make it :
- Cook eggs. I chose to make mine hard-boiled because I only had a clean soup pot but you can literally cook them however you fucking want! The world is your oyster, ladies!
- Take out the half English muffin. Decide if you have the time and energy to toast it or pretend like it even matters. I didn’t toast mine because I like mine soft, yet a little stale, like his attempt at atonement.
3. Take out the peanut butter jar that you found in the very back of your refrigerator behind the expired mustard and watery mayo. Realize the logo of this brand may have had a few iterations since you last purchased it. It might be expired, but, might not be, just like your frustrating and seemingly endless hopefulness for reparations. Roll the dice on that nut butter, I say!
4. Grab a butter knife and go to scrape town! That English muffin isn’t gonna cover itself.
5. List all of the gifts he bought that you didn’t need nor want nor use that were given in place of an earnest desire to remedy misdeeds on eBay.
6. Realize that you completely forgot about the eggs! They must be done by now. Take them out of your chosen cooking device.
7. While the eggs are cooling, attempt to smear the cold-ass peanut butter scraps you were able to get out of that jar just like you searched for words coming out of his mouth that you could pick and string together an apology in your mind. Realize you’re tearing the bread. Give up. It’s all going to the same place.
8. Set English muffin and eggs on a plate. Realize the color palette is about as bland as his acknowledgment for human feelings. I didn’t intend for these colors to come together so well, but unanticipated art is the best art!
9. Realize the eggs are half-cooked and runny. Decide to eat them anyway and season the shit out of them with all the salt you’ve been holding back.
10. Serve your meal up like you served up that apology for yourself on a platter and dig in! Enjoy!
And that’s it, ladies! You may not get the apology you had to ask for, but this meal is sure to fill that void or just end up in the trash in short order.
Gals! Many apologies it has been a WHILE since I’ve posted anything –– 3 whole years in fact! “What could you possibly have been doing that you were too busy to post your yummy recipes?” you’re probably asking yourself. Well dear reader, I’ve been a very busy woman on the go! On the go from my marriage, that is. 😉 Yes, that’s right, I went ahead and got myself divorced. And then I went and got myself fired from my job because that work/life balance we ladies are supposed to be keeping at dead center at all times was tipping way to the “work” side of the scale and my workplace was producing more toxic waste than the White House! Now I have more of that “life” balance and more time to dole out my home cookin’ recipes. Anyway, have you ever come to the realization your marriage is over and you need to leave immediately? Me too. This can be a hectic time but we’ve all still got to eat AND eat WELL, at that.
Here’s a nummy recipe I came up with as the curtain closed on 10 years of my life down the drain:
Lo-Carb Turkey Meatballs and “Spaghetti Sauce*”
- After you’ve scrambled the last box of your crap out of your ex’s house, realize that your new home has no food. Run back into his house like a madwoman and rummage around his refrigerator and freezer for something substantial and hopefully something he would want to cook for himself that night. The first item you see is Turkey Meatballs from Trader Joe’s. Those will work. Grab them by the fist.
- Next, you’ll need pasta and sauce. Open all cupboard doors and maniacally search for pasta. You’re frantic and sweating because he could come home at any minute, and you don’t want to see his fucking face ever again. You can’t find any pasta anywhere. Fuck the pasta, who needs it –– low-carb is in, carbs are not! Shit, you can’t find spaghetti sauce. You spot some tomato soup from Brandless. That should work! Every good woman knows that spaghetti sauce and tomato soup both come from tomatoes!
- Run out the door like a thief in someone else’s house. Come to a screeching halt, and realize you’ve left some important vinyl behind. Shit, you have no more bags or boxes, your arms are full of food and you’re starving and you can’t stand the thought of going back into that house for one more minute. Bye forever, vinyl.
- Arrive at your new, full of unpacked boxes apartment. Look for one plate and one fork to unpack to get this meal started! Realize that you don’t have any fucking plates. Not to worry! Unpack one coffee cup.
- Set the Turkey Meatballs on your counter and open them. Oh look, it even says they’re FLAME-broiled! What a win. Him-0 you-1 for that one!
- Look all over hell for scissors. Realize you also don’t have any fucking scissors. Rip the bag open like your heart was ripped out of your chest when you found out he was cheating on you!
- Look inside the bag and realize the meatballs have a touch of freezer burn. Spicy!
- Next, throw those flame-broiled, freezer burnt balls right into that coffee cup. I put in four but you can put however many you feel like throwing into your gaping maw.
- Now, its time for the “spaghetti sauce*”! Grab your tomato soup box and rip that bitch open with the fury of a woman scorned.
- Next, dump that sauce all over those balls. Make sure they’re good and covered.
- Now you’re ready to cook! Throw that shit in the microwave and set the timer for one minute. If you remembered to steal some paper towels on your way out of the home you shared for the last 10 years, good on ya! Slap one on the top of that coffee cup to prevent yet another mess you’ll have to clean up by yourself.
- As your delicious meal is simmering away, begin to count your life’s regrets… turning down Will, a fitness model, because you weren’t alerted to the fact that your relationship wasn’t monogamous…turning down Michael, another model, with a man-bun, because you weren’t alerted to the fact that your relationship wasn’t monogamous…remember that hot co-worker tha-
- Ding! Wow, that minute came fast. Your dinner is done and piping HOT to boot!
- Stand over your sink and stare off into the abyss.
- Snap back to reality, it’s eatin’ time! Shove that food in your mouth.
- Realize it’s so fucking hot it’s burning your mouth, but keep shoveling it into your mouth because nothing matters anymore.
- Optional: scream into the void for dessert.
And that’s it! You’re done eating AND moving! Now look into your furniture-less living room and spread your body amongst your boxes, college papers, and pictures of your ex that are covering the floor and take a lil’ snooze. You deserve it.
*Tomato soup
Ladies, I am posting what could be my last. Please heed this warning – I saw the recall of over 400 frozen food items and well, as you know my diet is 85% frozen foods, 15% Jimmy John’s, so I dont have much hope. Pray for me. If I don’t get food poisoning, then I vow to switch to safer foods, and to change my diet to be 85% Jimmy John’s, and only 15% frozen foods.
Ever find yourself brutally hungover on your way to an Easter party that you don’t want to go to, when all of a sudden! You remember that you’re responsible for bringing a dessert. SHIT. What are you to do? You know all those judgmental people at the party who spent days sculpting a giant rabbit out of cookie dough (that had to be fired in a kiln) will be waiting to see what pathetic store-bought dessert you bring.
Not this Easter, ladies. Here’s how to save the day:
1. Pull over into the nearest gas station. Check your mirror to see if you still have mascara under your eyes. Yep, good thing you checked.
2. Dash in, you’ll need three things: Peeps Marshmallow Chicks, a handful of Cadbury Eggs, a paper plate (well, they only sell them in packs, keep the rest in your trunk for emergencies such as this), and a pack of toothpicks. Ooh Gatorade. Ok you’ll need four things. You’re not going anywhere before you chug a Tiger Woods Performance Serious Athlete Gatorade or you might die of dehydration.
3. Get back in your car, roll down the windows. God you’re sweating.
4. Begin to assemble your dessert! It’s important you assemble anywhere but parked in the drive way of the party you’re supposed be at. Ladies never reveal their secrets! Begin to unwrap all items.
5. Place one butt of a Peeps chick on top of a sideways Cadbury Egg. Then place a toothpick through the butt and through the egg, it should look like the chick is laying or nesting on the egg.
6. Repeat until there’s nothing left.
7. Shit, you didn’t buy enough Cadbury Eggs for how many Peeps you have! Not to fear, place the remaining eggless Peeps on the plate, and let people know that those are male chicks. MALES DON’T LAY EGGS. A good lesson for the young ones at the party. It’s not just a dessert, its an educational dessert! Take that rabbit cookie sculpture bitch.
8. Throw them all on a plate. Jesus, this took longer that you thought. Who gives a shit how it looks it will still taste the same, even if you arranged it to look like a flower or religious symbol.
9. Place plate of dessert in your lap so it doesn’t spill all over your car. If one of these touches the floor or any part of your upholstery, you won’t be able to hide the dirt they picked up.
10. If you get hungry en route, eat a MALE Peep. No one will know.
11. Arrive to the party with unknowingly with yellow sugar and marshmallow all over your face. Whatever, they’ll soon forget that when they see your Easter Masterpiece.
12. Tell impressed party guests you thought of this on a whim, and that your inspiration was not only Easter, but spring and new life as shown with the female Peeps. It will blow their goddamn minds and hopefully make them feel shame about their own inferior looking desserts.
It’s over! You did it! Now go hit the bathroom and air out a little. You’re pitting out and you still need to wash that crap off your face. Smile at yourself in the mirror. You’ve earned it because you’re a woman on the go, always working, yet finding the time to impress those around you with your tasty dishes. Oh no, here come the dry heaves….God punishes….but He also rewards….
Hi gals! Here’s a repost of an old recipe for a quick and easy last minute meal for when you’re too hungover tomorrow to create that green bean casserole you said you would make:
Bored with regular ol’ tomato soup? I know the feeling, so you know what I said to myself? LETS ADD SOME RICE TO THIS BITCH! A new twist to an old favorite! There are two ways to go about it, and both are AMAZINGLY delicious.
Option 1: The Good Old Fashioned Way – get in your car now and head to the grocery store! You’re gonna need a lot of shit you definitely don’t have on-hand. Lets be honest, all you have on-hand at all times ever is Sugar-Free Red Bull and gum.
1. Buy a can of tomato soup – like I always say, ANY kind will do. Beware of low sodium soups, the more sodium, the more you’ll enjoy this dish and possibly swell up a little.
2. Buy some rice – where the hell is the rice? Of course you don’t know! Why would you ever venture past the frozen foods or canned goods section, who has time for that? Ahh. There it is, right next to the Mexican food. WHAT TACO BELL SELLS TACO SEASONING?! Buy it, who knows when you’ll need to impress guests with homemade tacos that taste like they came straight from Taco Bell.
3. Go home.
4. Dump the soup into a pot and heat, add water if you have time.
5. Realize that this pot the soup is cooking in is the only pot you have. UGH YOU HAVE TO RINSE IT OUT AND FIND A PLACE TO PUT THE SOUP WHILE THE RICE IS COOKING. WHATEVER. Dump soup into a giant bowl and set aside. Then rinse out the pot and start to boil some water. Grab a Red Bull from the cupboard while you wait FOREVER for the water to boil, and then ask yourself why, with an empty fridge, you keep your Red Bull warm in your cupboard instead of putting it in the fridge? The water is boiling! Dump the rice in and cook the shit out of it.
6. Finally after twenty fucking minutes the rice is done! Whoops it’s a little burned and stuck to the bottom, oh well, just make to scrape the bottom extra hard when mixing in the soup. Burned rice has more fiber. Dump the soup back into the rice pot and there you have it. Homemade tomato and rice soup! Just grab a spoon, stand over the stove and enjoy!
Option 2: The Too Busy to Slave in the Kitchen All Day Way
1. Buy a can of Tomato Rice soup, bonus if it says it’s “Old Fashioned” – turns out it tastes better than that shit recipe above anyways.
Hi gals! I know many of you have been asking for this – and its finally here! How to eat a sub sandwich in your car! A busy woman on the go doesn’t always have time to eat over the sink. Sometimes you have to just stuff a sandwich into your gaping maw while going 50 down the freeway because you’re late for a meeting and if you don’t eat something right now you’re likely to cut a bitch. And you know what? Its exhilarating. And now Im going to share with you my secrets in a video! Happy eating/timesaving!
Hey you go-getter gals!
Happy winter to you even though its March fucking 2nd! I have to tell you that winter really gets me down in the dumps – can you believe how long its been, and how much snow we have had and how COLD it is and that WE DO THIS EVERY GODDAMN YEAR AND FALL ON OUR ASSES WALKING OUT TO SCRAPE OFF OUR CAR THAT MIGHT NOT START WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT WHY WE LIVE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN CLIMATE ?! But you know what gets my spirits back up? A beautiful winter tablescape! I just made one using some gourds I had bought for fall and then forgot about in the cupboards that I never check. Whoops! My misfortune has turned into a beautiful winter blessing that I am now #blessed to #share with #you.
Here’s how I got this beautiful winter table scape:
1. Discover rotting gourds in your cupboard that were for a well intentioned, responsible fall decoration
2. Set out said gourds on table covered with US Weekly magazines that were lying on your floor moments before. You are now ready to paint!
3. Realize you have no crafting materials. Run to nearest Target to grab only paint and paintbrush, spend an hour trying to find out if they have paint and where that might be, since you spend most of your Target runs in the antacid and chip aisles.
4. Finally work up the nerve to ask an employee where the paint might be. Paint for gourds. or crafts, you further explain, after they direct you to Home Depot.
5. Grab the paint, some beef jerky and get the hell outta there. You’ve got crafting to do!
6. Arrive home, drop everything where you entered and get to your crafting table.
7. Decide which colors might convey a winter-wonderland on a rotting plant that is brown-ish gray colored.
8. Begin to paint. The gourd is your oyster! I painted stars and pine trees on mine, if you look closely, you can see the detail, and if you look even more close, you might see a tiny whitetail deer I hid in there*. You can do WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT on yours!
I took these BLAH gourds:
and this BLAH table:
and turned it into this FABULOUSLY FESTIVE table, that is SURE to take the winter blues away:
Happy painting, gals!
*there is no white tail deer, are you fucking kidding me.
shitimakefordinner 