Meals to Fill the Void for the Apology You’ll Never Get!

Gals! Ever have someone close to you do something so heinous once or twice or six times and you notice start to get a little hungry? Hungry for an apology, that is! When you realize you’re never getting that, you might as well stuff that gaping hole in your heart and tum-tum with this delicious and just as easy-to-make as saying “I’m sorry” recipe!  I say “meals” plural in the title because this recipe can be divided into two to easily nourish at least two offenses.

Here’s a recipe you can follow step-by-step just like the apology you wrote out for him that he couldn’t even just read to you:

Two eggs –– the ones I selected were the last two I owned. You can use more or less, depending on your hunger for protein and sincere amends.

One half of an old English Muffin

Some found peanut butter

Here’s how to make it :

1. Cook eggs. I chose to make mine hard-boiled because I only had a clean soup pot but you can literally cook them however you fucking want! The world is your oyster, ladies!
2. Take out the half English muffin. Decide if you have the time and energy to toast it or pretend like it even matters. I didn’t toast mine because I like mine soft, yet a little stale, like his attempt at atonement.

3. Take out the peanut butter jar that you found in the very back of your refrigerator behind the expired mustard and watery mayo. Realize the logo of this brand may have had a few iterations since you last purchased it. It might be expired, but, might not be, just like your frustrating and seemingly endless hopefulness for reparations. Roll the dice on that nut butter, I say!

4. Grab a butter knife and go to scrape town! That English muffin isn’t gonna cover itself.

5. List all of the gifts he bought that you didn’t need nor want nor use that were given in place of an earnest desire to remedy misdeeds on eBay.

6. Realize that you completely forgot about the eggs! They must be done by now. Take them out of your chosen cooking device.

7. While the eggs are cooling, attempt to smear the cold-ass peanut butter scraps you were able to get out of that jar just like you searched for words coming out of his mouth that you could pick and string together an apology in your mind. Realize you’re tearing the bread. Give up. It’s all going to the same place.

8. Set English muffin and eggs on a plate. Realize the color palette is about as bland as his acknowledgment for human feelings. I didn’t intend for these colors to come together so well, but unanticipated art is the best art!

9. Realize the eggs are half-cooked and runny. Decide to eat them anyway and season the shit out of them with all the salt you’ve been holding back.

10. Serve your meal up like you served up that apology for yourself on a platter and dig in! Enjoy!

And that’s it, ladies! You may not get the apology you had to ask for, but this meal is sure to fill that void or just end up in the trash in short order.