How To Air Fry Away Anxiety Caused By The Eventual Crumbling Of American Democracy!

Gals! Have you ever been crippled by the thought of the fall of our own previously-thought-as unwavering American democracy cuz boy howdy I sure have! Girlfriends, if you’re like me, you had a brief respite when you thought democracy and justice would prevail and all would be well once Joseph R. Biden, took the solemn oath of office as the 46th President of the United States of America. Surely he would help set America back onto the path of a secure, democratic future. And surely the insurrection that occurred on January 6th, 2021 – the event that should cause the deepest of collective wounds, leaving a horrific and ugly scar on our country – SURELY that would be an event that crossed party lines and united both Republicans and Democrats in their collective horror and grief – SURELY THAT SHOULD BE AT LEAST THE THING THAT UNITES US AS AMERICANS AND SHAKES THE MITCH MCCONNELLS OF THE WORLD OUT OF THEIR STROKE-INDUCED STUPORS CAUSED BY BLOOD CLOTS THAT BEAR A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE IN BOTH PROFILE AND BURNT SIENNA TONE OF FORMER PRESIDENT AND BOIL ON THE PROTRUDING, PROLAPSED ANUS OF AMERICA, MR. DONALD J. TRUMP. SURELY, BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND IT WILL NEVER FAIL US BECAUSE OUR FOREFATHERS PROMISED US, RIGHT?!

Gals, there’s a lesson to be learned here and that is, “NEVER RELY ON A FOREFATHER – IF YOU WANT DEMOCRACY, YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND GET IT FOR YOURSELF.”

And if you’re like me, you’re stuck under the crushing weight of anxiety caused by America’s slow and steady march toward autocracy. How can you even begin to start to think about fending off eventual-dictator and as-of-press-time 6-time bankruptcy filer, Mr. Donald J[ust grab them by the pussy] Trump?! Gals, you need to get ahold of that anxiety before you can begin to fight the eventual undoing of representative government as we know it. Not to worry though because there’s nothing more soothing than cooking away your spiraling thoughts that the Republican party will once again ruin satire and America by midterms. Well, that’s a little bit of a lie, there’s nothing more soothing than a vacation AND cooking. Gals, between you and me, I’ve got a recipe that will blast two birds with one stone and whisk you away with a one-way ticket to Yum-Town, party of YOU! Take a gander at this air fryer recipe that is sure to be the benzodiazepine-surrogate meal of your dreams:

1. Step one – decide to buy an air fryer for the thrill and short burst of dopamine. If you’re like me, you don’t cook and your counters are filled with only caffeine-producing machines, a microwave and a toaster in the event you want to want to make your bread fancy or kill the bacteria in your bread mold fancy. You never use the stove or oven – why on god’s green earth would you have an air fryer? Stop yourself from asking so many questions.
2. Drive your ass to Best Buy™️ and grab the first air fryer you see.
3. Notice some cheap Cuisinart™️ knives on your way to the register and remember that your shitty knife set hasn’t been sharpened since it left the factory in 2008. Think to yourself, “must be tough times for Best Buy™️ – gone are the days of $40 CDs and well, CDs,” and make a mental note that Best Buy is now an electronics AND cheap knife store.
4. Take advantage of the jaw-droppingly low price of $19.99 on this 9 piece ceramic stunner.
5. Drive your ass home and immeadiatly drop your new knife set by the door and keep it there for protection when the looming civil war shows up on your doorstep. A lady must always be prepared!
6. Unbox your air fryer.
7. Throw out all instructions and plug in your new and likely-to-be-used-once air-fryer like the goddamn chef goddess you are.
8. Open your freezer and find the bag that’s accruing the most freezer frost (pro-tip, if your freezer only consists of cooler packs, batteries and ice cubes, just pick any food item you decide is cookable) – for me it was frozen cauliflower and broccoli in a garlic sauce that had more crystals on it than a Real Housewife!

8. Empty the bag like you’re trying to empty your mind of any political thought into the air-fryer basket.

9. Name each of the broccoli florets and cauliflower pieces after your favorite democracy villain. For instance, I named my nummy veggies Marjorie Taylor Greene, Tucker Carlson, and Mark Zuckerburg! Goodbye Commonwealth, hello Taste Oasis!

10. Start slapping buttons with the effort you put into volunteering with your local democratic candidate like it even matters at this point and think to yourself, “everything in the microwave takes 1 minute, so I’ll do 2 because this is the slow-cooker of microwaves and is HEALTHY and I’m nothing if not one healthy motherfucker who should have cared about politics before Trump lumbered off the stage of the Apprentice and tap-danced right onto the get-out-of-jail*-free stage of the American Presidency!”

11. Hit start on that bitch and prepare yourself for the mind-numbing bliss meal that awaits you.

12. Cancel your subscriptions to the New York Times and The Atlantic while those veggies roast. If democracy dies in darkness, then so can your brain!

13. Notice the smell of burning plastic your air-fryer is giving off. Start to worry, but then embrace the smell – when you think postively, no matter the situation, you’ll be happier. Some people might call this toxic postivity but I like to call it intoxicating postivity because I get high as a kite off this kind of shit.

14. Remember that burning plastic fumes can kill brain cells.

15. Take a deep inhale to breathe in the fumes and hold for 47 seconds. Cross your fingers that only the neuropathways that carry any information of Marjorie Taylor Greene and OAN are singed and stopped in their tracks. Exhale.

16. Realize the timer is going off and notice the smell of burnt plastic is now mixed with the scent of burned frozen vegetables.

17. Take out the veggies. Notice they are burned ever so slightly.

18. Remember that the veggies were already burned from freezer burn, in addition to being regular burned in your new potentially cancer-causing air frying machine. You goddamn genius, you just made Twice Burned Veggies! Well gals, if you’re me, you think to yourself, “Get on the horn with the president of Trademarks because you just stumbled into a great name for a delicious meal you boss babe bitch, you!”

19. Throw the entire smoking mess onto your plate and begin to eat.

20. Notice that you SHOULD feel the blistering hot Matt Gaetz broccoli florets burning the insides of your mouth, but realize that you’re completely numb from the anesthetic-like effects of cooking a mouth-watering masterpiece.

21. Try to remember who the president is and where you are and what day it is. You can’t. Your meal was delicious AND calming to the point of at least short-term memory loss. Goal achieved!

22. Hear the distant sounds of a meeting reminder dinging at you to let you know that you have a meeting in 10 minutes.

23. Run to your laptop to stop the noise. While you’re there, send a company-wide email with only your resignation in the subject line, effective immediately. What are jobs really anyway? Why are we even going to work and pretending that the Constitution of the United States isn’t a frail piece of paper that any Trump-supporting Republican would wipe their sad, mushy ass with?

24. Jolt yourself out of that spiral by biting into a cauliflower Tucker Carlson floret. Let out a sigh of relief as you’re transported back to numb-town.

25. Feel so chill you can’t remember your own name.

26. Give yourself a pat on the back for making a meal delicious enough to lobotomize yourself from thinking about voting rights for at least a few hours.

27. Grab a beer to celebrate. Stand over the sink and chug it. Stop before you throw the empty can into the recycling bin and remember that recycling is a ruse and climate change is real. Throw it straight into the trash.

28. Grab another beer and chug – repeat this process until you forget about climate change.

29. Sit back, relax and congratulate yourself on a job well done. You may have not done one thing to help offset democracy’s impending doom, but you HAVE made a nourishing and consciousness-obliterating meal for one. And if you’re me, you’re Number One in my book.

*Prison