Hi gals!
First off let me just acknowledge the fact that I’ve not blogged or posted anything in darn near 10 months. How have you been eating while I was away? I feel JUST AWFUL. GUILTY, even!
You may have noticed a little foreshadowing in my earlier paragraph, because today’s recipe involves GUILT REDUCTION and PIZZA! I know I know, you’re probably saying, “But I should always feel guilt when I eat pizza and also when I put my own needs ahead of others!” Listen ladies, not ANYMORE. I discovered the secret walking down the only section of Trader Joe’s I visit besides the sample station – the frozen food aisle. I was, myself, feeling guilty. I was strolling listlessly along, wrapped up on my own self loathing, when I saw it, the answer to my problems tucked between the frozen pancakes and the shrimp popovers – Reduced Guilt Pizza!
It was a sign from above! I snatched up the whole inventory and then ran to the register and ran back and put all but one back, remembering that my freezer is packed with empty ice trays and half eaten freezer burnt ice ream from 2010! Only room for one serving of guilt reduction this time around!
I got home and begun the process of reducing my guilt – here are the steps:
1. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees
2. Panic! You’ve forgotten that sometimes you store things in the oven! Run to the oven and open it. Relief, all that is there is the burned on sludge from last year’s failed pumpkin pie.
3. Wait 20 minutes, wonder what that gas smell is, and why your oven is not hot, then find that the pilot light is out.
4. Open some windows to let the gas out of your shitbox apartment so you don’t explode when you relight your pilot light.
5. Track down some matches from the last dump of a bar you were at.
6. Light the pilot light.
7. Repeat steps 1 and 3 (sans gas smell – if there is still a gas smell write yourself a note to tell your landlord tomorrow that you need lower rent because this broken oven is preventing you from cooking delicious and nutritious meals for 4 every night and you want answers! )
8.Once the oven is hot enough for guilt torching, unwrap the pizza and slap it on one of the racks.
9. Trader Joe’s recommends cooking this pizza for 12-14 minutes. Laugh to yourself, you don’t need a timer – you are a savvy woman in the kitchen whose women’s intuition will tell her when that fucking pizza is done!
10. Begin to pace because you’re starving! That Lean Cuisine burrito at 11 am was not enough to sustain you this long.
11. Clean out the crumbs in the sink from last night’s dinner while you wait. Everyone loves a woman who multi tasks!
12. Open the oven when your timer goes off to check the pizza. Make sure it is fully cooked, or if your oven is similar to mine, it will have a nice char on one side, and be still completely frozen on the other. Ta-da!
13. Be sure to be safe when pulling the pizza out! Grab the nearest piece of cloth – in my situation I used half a roll of paper towels, but you can use anything that will keep your hands from fuzing to the oven rack – and wrap your hands fully in the cloth or the paper towels.
14. Shake the rack till the pizza falls on to your other waiting hand . If it falls on the floor or onto the pumpkin sludge, don’t worry. Just pick it up and dust off as needed.
15. Realize you left your pizza cutter with the man running for the local mayor’s face on it at your last shitbox apartment and pick it up as is because dammit, you are starving AND guilty!
16. Stand over the sink, and hold the pizza with two hands as if it were a sandwich.
17. Begin eating the pizza. Eat the whole damn thing- it’s guilt reduction after all!
18. Begin to think about all the times you’ve put your needs before others and the guilt and shame that came from it! Wait for it all to melt away.
19. Realize you’re not feeling the guilt melt away, rather the roof of your mouth being burned on the charred side of the pizza. Move over to the frozen side to help soothe the burn. Hmm…..might take a few minutes for the guilt melting to kick in.
20. Finish the pizza and sit on the couch, and realize you feel bad for being lazy and sitting on the couch and consuming a whole pizza in less than 3 minutes. Run to the store to buy another Guilt Reduction Pizza to bake to quickly resolve this guilt.
21. Scrounge around for some loose Zantac or Pepto Bismol.
And there you have it ladies! Guilt Reduction Pizza. It’s been a couple weeks and I’ve made several of them since. I haven’t had much reduction in guilt yet, but I am sure its just like taking an antidepressant where you have to take double the dose in the beginning for a month before you start to feel like it’s working!
Happy cooking!
More like Doug cockROACH.
Ladies, I apologize for my above reference to Doug Rauch as a cockroach. I’m sure he’s a very nice man. A nice man who STOLE MY IDEA FOR OPENING UP A STORE TO SELL EXPIRED FOOD. That’s right, I had the idea to start up a grocery store where I sold expired food and I would also teach classes on how to cook and properly handle said expired food. DOES YOUR NEW STORE DO THAT DOUG? PROBABLY NOT. Actually, I don’t know much about your new store Doug, except that it’s a brilliant concept. Great minds think alike. Read more about it here: http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/09/23/expired-food-store-set-to-open-next-year/
I am just KICKING myself for not beating him to the punch. I even had all my inventory ready to go:
100% pictured above is expired food. That alone would be enough to start an expired food truck.
Oh well. Onto the next idea, and congratulations, Mr Rauch, for beating me to the punch. If you need a supplier, you know who to call.
Hi gals,
Do ya ever just get a boner equivalent over a picture of food? I just wanted to share a little food porn with you that I made the other day. You might want some alone time afterwards for reflection if you know what I mean.
And if you want to create your own version of this type of pornography at home, here are the simple instructions:
1. Dig a couple of pieces of bread out of your dusty bread box and praise God if there’s no mold on it. If there is, just cut out the mold, I’m pretty sure thats ok to do.
2. On second thought, just stick the bread in the toaster to try and kill any mold that might be on your bread. I’m not sure of the science behind this but why not give it a shot? The worst that could happen is you get toasty moldy bread that may or may not land you in the hospital.
3. Slap a little cheese on that toasted bread. I like Kraft singles but Velveeta is another major manufacturer of fine cheeses that I’d also recommend.
4. Open up the several bags of deli meat from various points in your life, and give them all the sniff test. Use whichever one passes.
5. Slap that meat on that toast and put the other piece of toast on top, then cut it with your butter knife or the cleanest one available.
6. Enjoy your homemade porno.
Hi gals!
A word of caution. If you have deli meat in your fridge that says “sell by May 10th” and its May 15th, you should NOT eat it. Contrary to what you might think, that “sell by” date actually means that you should probably eat it by May 10th, or maybe May 11th. But when May 15th rolls around, throw it out. Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT sniff the meat, say to yourself “Hmm that smells weird but the expiration date is just a SELL by date, and its probably just like yogurt when that shit is still good for a month post expiration, I think I’ll just give this the ol’ taste test…OH MY GOD IT TASTES LIKE A GARBAGE YEAST BALL FOOT” *gags, yacks, looks on internet to see what the beginning symptoms of lysteria are*
The more you know.
Hi hungry busy ladies!
Well, Easter is JUST around the corner, and you’ve just remembered you thought it would be cute to volunteer to MAKE a pie. Whoops! That was dumb. Now you’re stuck with the obligation of not only bringing a baked good but also a HOMEMADE baked good. Not only that but you’ll probably put it off until about an hour before you’re supposed to leave for this Easter gathering. Not to fret, ladies! I have a pie recipe thought up by YOURS truly, just for such an occasion. I give you, Katie’s Super Easy Banana Cream Pie. The best part is, you don’t even have to learn how to turn on your oven for this one. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Betty Crocker!
Here’s what you’ll need:
•One banana (lets be honest, if you buy more than that, they’ll just sit on your counter and turn black)
•Banana Instant Pudding (Actually, I’m using vanilla pre-packaged, pre-made snack packs of pudding, because there’s nothing “instant” about the other stuff and they only make vanilla or chocolate in pre-made snack packs)
•One pre-made graham cracker pie crust
•Whipped cream in a can
Step 1. Take the cover off of your pie crust. Yes, that is plastic covering the crust, its not a shiny crust. If you do not do this, people will learn that you didn’t make this crust when they try to first cut it. Learn from my mistakes!
Step 2. Remove lids and squeeze the pudding from the pudding snack cups onto the pie crust. You can use a spoon if you want, but then guess what? Another dish to sit in your sink for three weeks. I used about 4 pudding snack cups for this, but you can use more or less depending on whats laying around after you ate a couple for dinner last night because they were the only things you had in the fridge besides expired condiments.
Step 3. Cut up that banana over the pie. Don’t get a cutting board, unless you want something ELSE to wash in addition to that spoon! Eco-friendly tip – bananas are soft, so you can use pretty much anything around the house to cut them up (lets be honest, your one butter knife is rusty)! I used a plastic knife that I also used to stir my Bloody Mary last week…and its not even Earth Day yet! If we all do a little, we can do a lot. 😉
Step 4. Take a spoon (fine, I guess you have to wash a dish now) and stir around the pudding and the bananas so they’re evenly spread around the pie. Whoops! You accidentally stirred too hard and smashed the pie crust. Oh no! It’s stirred into the pie! Your perfect pie is RUINED! Panic!
Step 5. WAIT, stop panicking. Remember, you’ve got whipped cream to cover that shit up! WHEW. Grab your whipped cream. It might be expired like mine, but I’m pretty sure those expiration dates are just a suggestion. Its not organic or anything, so its probably pumped full of more chemicals than a dead guy fresh out of the funeral home, to keep it preserved for years to come.
Step 6. Spray the whipped cream on the pie. Mine came out a little runny, probably because it’s low fat whipped cream. Oh well, it’s cream and thats what’s in the title, so thats what’s ultimately important.
Step 7. Cover it in some Saran wrap you have from some other leftovers that are definitely too old to eat and high-tail it to your Easter party.
Step 8. Serve up your pie with a smile, knowing that everyone expected you to bring a store-bought pie. You can proudly say without lying on the day of our Risen Lord “Oh that ol’ thing? I just whipped it up in my kitchen!”
Helpful Hint! If anyone says that your pie doesn’t look right or looks messy, tell that bitch that it’s all going to the same place anyways and to shut her fucking mouth.
Happy Easter.
Hi Friends, you can find my previous posts and great recipes here: http://shitimakefordinner.tumblr.com/
Hi busy ladies!
Ever find yourself running late to a birthday party, Fathers/Mother’s Day or a going-away party at work and all you have is a card (good for you for having that ahead of time) but no gift? Yeah, I think all of us career women have! I thought of this the other day, as I was running late to my brother’s birthday party, card in hand but no gift. Whoops! Here’s how I remedied that problem, and he was none the wiser. All you need is a card appropriate to the occasion (or in a pinch, not) and a black pen.
1. Turn card over and look for the price on the back. Its always listed! Sometimes in US AND Canadian currencies (so you can take this idea to Canada, eh?)
2. Take your black pen and try to change the number on the price. I’ve taken this 2 here and turned it into an 8. Now it looks as if I spent almost $9 on a card, and if you spend that much money on a card, well, you really mean whatever you’ve said in that card, and words are worth more than gifts, so the receiver of this card will be really grateful and happy to have you as a friend/daughter/sister/employee. Its a great way to save money, AND time, without looking like you did either. If your card is a different dollar amount, any 1 can easily be turned into a 7, or a 3 can be turned into an 8, etc. etc. Make sure to practice this a few times before actually writing on the card, so as not to be detected.
This “2” has been discreetly turned into an “8”
3. When giving the card, after they read it and silently wonder where their gift is, they will inevitably look at the back for a small hope of a gift, and THEN they’ll not only see who made the card, but they’ll notice the high price of the card, and know that you are one thoughtful card giver. Make sure they know to pass it around so others can see how much you spend on cards.
Happy “gift” giving ladies!
Hi Friends and Followers! You may have noticed I moved from Tumblr to WordPress. It just works much better and helps me post more detailed notes and photos for your reading pleasure.
Today I’d like to take a step back from recipes (GETTING TOO HOT IN THE KITCHEN AS MY AIRCONDITIONING UNIT BARELY COOLS ME DOWN WHEN IM STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT), and move towards social media ideas. Have you ever seen someone’s original post that they took from somewhere off the internet, and thought to yourself, “Hey why didn’t I think of that?” or “No one looks at my Facebook or Twitter and comments or even “likes” my postings! What gives?” Say that to yourself NO MORE ladies, because I have tips and ideas to get you started. See below for three TOTALLY different examples for your feelings on different days. Remember, we are strong women and we have lots of feelings to post on the internet.
TYPE I – PHOTO WITH TEXT
If you’re feeling like you want to make a statement that reflects your feelings and thoughts about life in general take an inspiring quote from a famous person, and post it over a photo.
1. Google the person’s name in the search bar with the word “quotes” and then highlight the quote you like best and hit “copy” – be sure to be selective as to who you search and which quote to select, so as to accurately convey your feelings. For example, if you just got dumped, take this quote from Marilyn Monroe –
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
2. Next, search for a photo of a sunset, landscape or a cocoon turning into a butterfly.
3. Then past the text symbolically in the photo and voila! You have an inspiring quote over a peaceful photo to share on your page, and share your feelings with the world.
TYPE II – A PHOTO OF A HANDWRITTEN NOTE ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL BELIEFS
Social media is a great way to share your political beliefs! Here’s a cute an interesting way to share them
1. Think hard about a political issue that is important to you. If you’ve thought long and hard, and still come up with nothing, then, look on Facebook to see what your friends are posting and post something similar.
2. Get out a piece of paper and hand write a note about how you work hard and are the 99% or how our healthcare system has failed you, yet you still work for a living. Make it personal! If you make lots of money from your parents trust fund and don’t want to pay extra taxes because your parents worked hard for that money, say it! If you kicked on of those dirty hippies protesting the 1%, tell us that story! Let us get to know Y-O-U, YOU.
3. Have someone take a photo of you holding your note, and BE SURE to peek your head out from behind the note with a little smile. That lets your readers know that you STAND behind your beliefs, cutely.
TYPE III – A PHOTO OF A QUOTE THAT YOU DREW OR PAINTED ON SOMETHING ABOUT HOME AND/OR FAMILY
Are things not going so well at home? Are you and the “hubs” not getting along, do you feel like he sees through you? Maybe you’re jealous of your single friends, who come and go as they please, sleep in till noon and aren’t driving six kids to soccer practice every damn day? Well for Christ’s sake, don’t let anyone on the internet know! Do the opposite, make people think you’re living the dream and they should be jealous of YOU. Then when people comment, they’ll say things like “Oh you have the perfect family!” and those comments will help fill the emptiness inside of you.
1. Get yourself some paint, or sidewalk chalk that your kids didn’t put away AGAIN
2. Search for a quote on the internet about family or home and drawing parallels between gardening, growing etc. Something like, “Your family grows where you water your garden” or something simliar. Pinterest is FULL of them! You’ll have a successful search there.
3. Paint that quote on a rock, or draw it on the sidewalk with chalk*
4. Take a picture of it, and post it on the ‘net. This will let your friends know that not only are you crafty, but your family life is perfect.
*careful with the sidewalk chalk, don’t let your tears smudge it or wash it away.
There you have it, ladies, ALL the tools you need to start your social media statements.
Happy posting!
shitimakefordinner 