How to Cook Like You’re Getting Divorced!

Gals!  Many apologies it has been a WHILE since I’ve posted anything –– 3 whole years in fact!  “What could you possibly have been doing that you were too busy to post your yummy recipes?” you’re probably asking yourself. Well dear reader, I’ve been a very busy woman on the go! On the go from my marriage, that is. 😉 Yes, that’s right, I went ahead and got myself divorced. And then I went and got myself fired from my job because that work/life balance we ladies are supposed to be keeping at dead center at all times was tipping way to the “work” side of the scale and my workplace was producing more toxic waste than the White House! Now I have more of that “life” balance and more time to dole out my home cookin’ recipes. Anyway, have you ever come to the realization your marriage is over and you need to leave immediately? Me too. This can be a hectic time but we’ve all still got to eat AND eat WELL, at that.

Here’s a nummy recipe I came up with as the curtain closed on 10 years of my life down the drain:

Lo-Carb Turkey Meatballs and “Spaghetti Sauce*”

1. After you’ve scrambled the last box of your crap out of your ex’s house, realize that your new home has no food. Run back into his house like a madwoman and rummage around his refrigerator and freezer for something substantial and hopefully something he would want to cook for himself that night. The first item you see is Turkey Meatballs from Trader Joe’s. Those will work. Grab them by the fist.
2. Next, you’ll need pasta and sauce. Open all cupboard doors and maniacally search for pasta. You’re frantic and sweating because he could come home at any minute, and you don’t want to see his fucking face ever again. You can’t find any pasta anywhere. Fuck the pasta, who needs it –– low-carb is in, carbs are not! Shit, you can’t find spaghetti sauce. You spot some tomato soup from Brandless. That should work! Every good woman knows that spaghetti sauce and tomato soup both come from tomatoes!
3. Run out the door like a thief in someone else’s house. Come to a screeching halt, and realize you’ve left some important vinyl behind. Shit, you have no more bags or boxes, your arms are full of food and you’re starving and you can’t stand the thought of going back into that house for one more minute.  Bye forever, vinyl.
4. Arrive at your new, full of unpacked boxes apartment. Look for one plate and one fork to unpack to get this meal started!  Realize that you don’t have any fucking plates. Not to worry! Unpack one coffee cup.
5. Set the Turkey Meatballs on your counter and open them. Oh look, it even says they’re FLAME-broiled! What a win. Him-0 you-1 for that one!
6. Look all over hell for scissors. Realize you also don’t have any fucking scissors. Rip the bag open like your heart was ripped out of your chest when you found out he was cheating on you!
7. Look inside the bag and realize the meatballs have a touch of freezer burn. Spicy!
8. Next, throw those flame-broiled, freezer burnt balls right into that coffee cup. I put in four but you can put however many you feel like throwing into your gaping maw. 
9. Now, its time for the “spaghetti sauce*”! Grab your tomato soup box and rip that bitch open with the fury of a woman scorned.
10. Next, dump that sauce all over those balls. Make sure they’re good and covered.
11. Now you’re ready to cook!  Throw that shit in the microwave and set the timer for one minute. If you remembered to steal some paper towels on your way out of the home you shared for the last 10 years, good on ya! Slap one on the top of that coffee cup to prevent yet another mess you’ll have to clean up by yourself.
12. As your delicious meal is simmering away, begin to count your life’s regrets… turning down Will, a fitness model, because you weren’t alerted to the fact that your relationship wasn’t monogamous…turning down Michael, another model, with a man-bun, because you weren’t alerted to the fact that your relationship wasn’t monogamous…remember that hot co-worker tha-
13. Ding! Wow, that minute came fast. Your dinner is done and piping HOT to boot!
14. Stand over your sink and stare off into the abyss.
15. Snap back to reality, it’s eatin’ time! Shove that food in your mouth.
16. Realize it’s so fucking hot it’s burning your mouth, but keep shoveling it into your mouth because nothing matters anymore.
17. Optional: scream into the void for dessert.

And that’s it! You’re done eating AND moving! Now look into your furniture-less living room and spread your body amongst your boxes, college papers, and pictures of your ex that are covering the floor and take a lil’ snooze. You deserve it.

*Tomato soup