How to Bake Cookies That Look Exactly Like Mitch McConnell’s Face

Gals! The other day I was scrolling through Al Gore’s Internet when something I saw made me stop dead on my tracks. What was it? Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. What made me stop so suddenly was not the content, but rather the photo of ol’ McC. Those soft, pillowy jowls looked like delicious, extremely underbaked chocolate chip cookies, which of course inspired me to bake because what else is there to do in this pandemic that Mitch McCookie is assisting in prolonging our suffering? The answer is nothing!

I got to baking. Here’s what you’ll need:

Flour, brown sugar, white sugar, baking soda, softened butter, vanilla, eggs and an earnest desire for your cookies to look like the soft underbelly of a frog.

Step 1: Preheat the oven to 375 degrees, which should be easy to remember because it is the exact same number of days in 2020 so far.

Step 2: Mix all the dry ingredients together. When mixed fully, it should look like white sawdust, which is, coincidentally, the same material that comprises 75% of McConnell’s skin.

Step 3: In a separate bowl, mix the softened butter and eggs together.  Make sure the mixture is as wet as the inside of the skin-folds that caress the chin of Senior Senator from Kentucky, Mitch McConnell.

Step 4: Slowly mix all ingredients together. Go about as slow as Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr. is going on working toward an economic relief plan that we can flush right down the toilet again anyway because Americans need to ride motorcycles to motorcycle conferences while wearing bandanas on their sweaty empty heads but not ones that cover their flapping mouth-holes because it hurts their breathing and also muffles their singing along together inside a bar to a jukebox that plays only Toby Keith. Freedom isn’t free and it’s also not $600 a week anymore either.

Step 5: Fill up a rounded tablespoon of dough, which is about how much fluid you’d obtain if you drained just a single McConnell face-sack.

6: Drop those dough balls onto a cookie sheet and set a timer for 3 minutes –– no longer or they will be too baked at that point to look exactly like Republican Senator Mitch McConnell.

Step 7: At the 3-minute mark, pull those suckers out of the oven.  Upon first glance you should notice that your cookies look exactly like the Shroud of Turin except it’s not a negative image of Christ, it’s Mitch McConnell’s melting face bag.

Step 8: Stand over your sink and begin playing solitaire Chubby Bunny with the cookies until you sob uncontrollably, laugh hysterically or choke to death.